Connor and Edward's Simply Bombastic Show

Episode Two : Scene One

(In front room.Pretzels are in the middle of the table,and Connor,Ed and Georgina are watching women’s tennis on TV.)

Connor : What would it be like to pull a sportswoman?

Ed : Mmm.Thighs,long legs,the strength to have me on top....

Connor : Woah.Save it for a fantasy dream.

Ed : You know where sportswomen hang out?

Connor : (Sarcastic) Erm,the local opticians?

Ed : No,like tennis courts and volleyball courts.

Connor : Did you just say volleyball there?

Ed : Yeah,and I read in the Daily Baguette that there was a competition.Model,what do you think?

Georgina : Oh,actually,it’s Georgina.I use the name ‘model’ for public appearances.And I’d love it,the opportunity to go exercise instead of starving myself.Not that I eat anyway,honest!

Ed : Well,if we all want to....

Connor : Then we had better sign up.

Ed : What’s the prize money?

Georgina : It says here that the prize is a dinner with the female volleyball star Keeta Sanchez.

Connor : She’s hot!

Episode One : Scene Five

(in GG Grant’s( a top male model) london penthouse , a party for londons top fashion peeps is taking place,ed and connor tag along with model and see whats “goin down “ Music being played is Toxic/Faint by Britney Spears/Linkin Park)

Connor : DEAR GOD !!!! paparazzi,Daily Mail’s Katie Nicholl column,the works!

Model: yes!dear god,ummm!i must take my leave!

( model runs off and shouts: no paparazzi, scum will get a pic of me in the paper mwhahaahahaha)

Paparazzi : How do you like my little friend!

(Starts taking pictures)

Ed : Everybody run!

Connor: Quick,everyone to your motorised road vehicles!

Ed : Erm,Connor,we left the car at Storm Model Agency.

(Connor looks at floor in dismay.)

Connor : Bugger.We’ve been papped.

(Model returns)

Model : I have an electric vehicle around the back!Let’s go!

Ed : Hang on,we need the pretzels!

(Shot of room in destruction with a disposable camera lying on the floor.Sound of a scooter is played over the shot.)

(Credits are played)

Episode One : Scene Four

(Catwalk scene outdoors.The model,Connor and Ed are parading down the catwalks.Connor is waving and jumping around,the model has her pro moody face on and Ed is pumping fists in and out.Music is playing from Right Said Fred with I’m Too Sexy)

Connor : Hello London!

Model : Hello Paris!

Ed : Hello mum!

(They carry on walking down the catwalk,smiling and posing.Finally,they walk back off the catwalk,and we cut to a shot of them off the catwalk.)

Connor : That was exhausting.The pressures of being a model are very high,isn’t it model?

Model : Yes.It’s so hard to look beautiful for the cameras,especially when Dermot O’Meary is in the crowd.

Ed : He is a notorious fashion critic.

Model : Didn’t he kill that footballer?

Connor : Yeah,but it’s all in the past.

Ed : Hey model,do you want a chocolate finger.

Model : Sorry,I don’t really do eating.I’m on like a permanent diet.I want to be a size minus ten.

Connor : Hey,we’ve got a spare room.Do you like slimming pills and hot bodies?

Model : Yeah...

Ed : Well,if you want that then I think Naomi Campbell has a space for you.

Model : No,I hate her.She’s got bingo wings,O-M-G!

Connor : God,one more mouth to feed...

Model :Oh no,I don’t actually eat.It makes me feel bloated.

(Connor and Ed turn around and discuss.)

Connor : She doesn’t even eat pretzels.

Ed : How could she!

Connor : Or chocolate fingers!

Ed : Good.They remind me of dead people,from when I worked at that morgue.

Episode One : Scene Three

(The fashion show is about to start.Connor is talking to the teen model,Ed is practising a pose and A-Lon is injecting himself with a syringe.)

A-Lon : Sunday,Monday,Happy Days,Wednesday,Thursday,Happy Days,Saturday...

(faints)

Ed : Oh great,the fashionista is down.It’s like Platoon with feather boas.

Connor : (to model) So,are you a fan of Prado?

Model : Prada.

Connor : No,I meant the knock-offs from the market.

Model : Oh,no,I like official.It helps the company.

Connor : Would you wear fur?

Model : Well I would,but PETA asked me to go naked,so I don’t wear it for sponsorship reasons.

(Ed walks over)

Ed : What do you think of the paparazzi?

Model : Where?

(She runs off.)

Connor : (looking at clock) Mmm,showtime.

Ed : You what?

Connor : We’re on in thirty seconds.

Ed : Oh great,oh god.

Connor : I hear that Dermot O’Meary’s in the crowd.

Ed : Didn’t he kill that footballer?

Connor : Yeah,but it’s all in the past.

Episode One : Scene Two

(In living room,both Connor and Ed are lying sprawled on each sofa,with a bag of pretzels in the middle of the table.On the TV is Animal Planet.)

Connor : Shouldn’t we be getting ready to go to that model thing?It is seven am.

Ed : Good idea,but let’s wait until that aye-aye has climbed over that tree.

(Goes to open pretzels,but knocks them over,spilling some on the floor.)

Ed : Bugger.

(Whilst picking up pretzels from the floor and eating them,Ed sees an open women’s magazine,and picks it up.)

Connor : (Looking at front page of More) Celebrity bodies men love.Let’s have a look!

Ed : (flicks through pages) Ooh,Mischa Barton.

(drools)

(Shot of a clock ticking in fast forward,stopping when it reaches 9am.)

Connor : Let’s go ponder with Pucci,chat with Cavalli.

Ed : Gondola with George?

Episode One : Scene One

Titles

(music I Touch Myself by Divinyls)

(Connor pops head from above sofa,followed by Ed)

Scene One

(In the front room.Connor and Ed are watching the ‘Your Body’ episode of 10 Things You Didn’t Know About,with Justin Lee Collins)

Ed : You think that he knows any supermodels?

Connor : Dunno.Do you want to ring up that model agency and see if we can find any?

Ed : Come on,last time it was a disaster.I wanted to see topless models,not some queer guy sprinting around dressed as a butterfly!

Connor : What the hell,let’s just try it once more.

(presses numbers on phone)

Connor : Hello,is that Storm Model Agency?I’m (looks at television) Lee Justin Collins and I work for (looks at TV) Pinas designs.I would like to view some of your autumn collection,preferably lingerie,maybe tomorrow?Okay,sure,I’ll be there,and make sure they like to wriggle!

(to Ed)

Connor : We’re going to meet Naomi Campbell!

Ed : Hang on,if we’re going to see her,make sure we practise our human shield.Remember,she did hit someone.

(Connor turns over TV to another channel)

Connor : Turn this crap off,put a bit of Fashion TV on!

Ed : Are you going Gabbana ga ga?